I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
