my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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