I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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