I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
