the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
