i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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