i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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