and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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