The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
