I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
