i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
