foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
