my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
