Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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