we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
They took my balls.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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