Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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