You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
