is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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