I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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