I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
