The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
