My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
