DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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