ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
