The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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