dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
