i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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