I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
