we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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