Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
