Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
