If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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