why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
