Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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