I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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