the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
