We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
