You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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