On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
