I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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