We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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