Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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