I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
