My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
