im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
