I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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