your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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