If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
