Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
