if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
